She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
