How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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