Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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