God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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