Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
