She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
