if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
