Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
