So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
