We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
zippers are such a cool invention
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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