im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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