I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
