well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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