I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
