Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
