Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
