You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
