If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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