does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
