my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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