Someone shit on the floor
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She told me I should be a condom model.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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