I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
