I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
