what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
