i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
this hospital has no fireball
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
