Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
