kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
