Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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