maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
