he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
