i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
