and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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