omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
