this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
