I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
