Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
