I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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