we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
