I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
