my phone needs a breathalizer
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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