A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
