pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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