I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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