I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Randomize
