The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
