how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
