I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
