I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
