Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
