he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
