I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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