The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
