I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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